Everything I wanted but nothing I expected-Looking back on the summer

In reading over my blogs posted this summer, I am mortified. What was I thinking? I seemed so certain in my teaching abilities. "I'll be a great teacher." " I just need to visualize myself succeeding." " I never let anyone sleep in my class." Before I acutally started teaching full time, I had more confidence in myself. It seemed as though I had all the right answers. Now, when it comes to deciding what to do with my students who are failing, I am unsure. Are they failing because they have trouble paying attention? Are they failing because they are not doing their homework? Or is it all my fault? Am I the reason their failing? I have found that as I moved deeper and deeper into the year, I became more unsure of myself. As the stakes became higher and my students jumped in number from a summer school classroom to 5 periods packed with 30 students each, began to be more cautious.

In a way, this is a good thing. I now realize the importance of my job and I do not take it lightly. I would no longer call myself a successful teacher. In fact, until all my students are passing, I will not feel like a success. There is always something to strive for. My summer blogs contained a hint of arrogance, like I had it all figured out. Well, let me be the first to say that I still don't have it all figured out.

I think the Mississippi Teacher Corps does a good job of building confidence before throwing you into the fire, so to speak. I felt confident and ready for that first day of school, so why don't I feel confident and ready for the 90th day of school? I am a perfectionist at heart. I can't stand to fail. So when 20% of my students are failing my class, I feel as if I'm failing as well. I think this is one of the main differences between the past summer and the present. During the summer, I didn't have to worry about students failing my tests because it was summer school and everybody ends up passing in the end. Right now, however, I can spend hours with a student in a one-on-one setting until I'm absolutely sure he understands the material and then 3 days later he'll fail the test because he won't even answer half of the questions.

In my July blogs, I remember commenting on the Reluctant Disciplinarian. "The best tool for me is going to be good old fashioned experience, not some book." Well, now that I have experience I find myself incorporating ideas from the book. I guess I spoke too soon.

One thing that was right on target was that I do love teaching. In many of my blogs, I sounded a lot more upbeat than my current blogs. Most of the recent blogs stem from sheer exhaustion. However, that has not changed. I didn't join the teacher corps because I love teaching. The truth is, I hadn't had very much experience teaching before coming to Mississippi. However, the teacher corps showed me how great teaching can be and that hasn't changed. I live for the "ah ha" moments that students occasionally share with me. I love when a student comes to my class and can't wait to share what he or she did over the weekend because it had to do with Physical Science. Teaching is my life and there are so many ups and downs but the ups make all the downs worth every second. Just the other day, one of my students confided in me that he was having serious problems at home. He can't seem to stay awake in class, but when he does, I can tell he's been crying. I am so proud that I can serve as a confidant for this student. What makes me so special? Why me and not another teacher? I don't really know but he feels that he can trust me.

Teaching is an amazing profession, and while I may have been a little arrogant this summer, I feel that the summer training I received has really given me the eyes to see all the good in my students and for that I am grateful.